Chapter Eleven: Inside me


Chapter Eleven: Inside me



Always being apple of an eye isn't that easy as everyone thinks of it. Many a times you're bound to get buried under the burden of expectations. You know the grass is always green the other side. People never knew the real me. All did they know is about Tanya who's Miss Sebastian, Actress and what not. They don't know the real me. But I couldn't let anyone see my weaknesses else they would leave me as they did with my mom.

Ruhani was the only one who was well acquainted with the real Tanya. She is the one who cared for me. Me that's curled up in a ball and hiding somewhere inside in a corner of this Tanya adored by everyone.

My loneliness would have captured and drowned me long back if Ruhani hadn’t been in my life. She arrived when I was in my not so sweet sixteen. Reason, separation of my mom and dad.

I had to live with my mom in an apartment. Dad used to support us with all the materialistic needs. Sometimes he used to visit us but mom wouldn't allow him to see me. Two years after their separation, my Mom died of cervical cancer after the years of prolonged suffering.

Ruhani and I got acquainted long back when we were in the same class in Junior College and found out that we were neighbours. Then slowly as time passed our bond got stronger day by day. We became more of sisters rather than being just friends. Dad tried to convince me to stay with him after mom's death but I was adamant enough to stay in that same apartment because it had my mom's memories. Memories when she cried all nights out of pain and no one was to look after her. Memories of crying when she got divorced.

She loved my dad a lot and even he loved my mom a lot. But they separated when mom needed dad the most. Why? I didn't find answers to some questions at that time.

But as I grew into an adult those answers automatically knocked at my doorstep. Dad used to give mom all the love, care, affection and money that a woman needs from a man. But he forgot, that out of all these he missed the most important factor that his family needed from him i.e. his time. We were deprived of his time. It felt like we were his last priorities even after being the first.

It felt like we were materially satisfied but we craved for his time. I guess that was the reason that my mom took a big leap. Even after her knowing about her cancer. I supported my mom's decision. He was a perfect husband but failed to be perfect dad and lover.

My life suddenly started changing after Ruhani entered my life. I used to be at her house most of the time. I got both a father's and a mother's affection from her parents and sisterly love from Ruhani. I got what I had craved for all my life. I didn't need money or any caretaker to look after me. I craved for that love and affection which I was deprived of all my life.

Entry of Rehan in our lives turned them upside down. There was a different feeling that I felt when I was around him. I used to flirt with guys a lot. Many a times I've been called a slut, but I didn't care about that. While being around Rehan, it was a completely different aura that I felt.

I felt loved, pampered, protected and trusted around him. He was a kind of guy I could rely on. After Ruhani he was the only one who was close to me. He was well aware of my flirting habits and how I just played around with every other guy. But he never judged me or called me names. He understood the torments inside me. I felt like there was an invisible bond slowly building between us.

But I think the life had a lot to surprise me. Rehan turned out to be Ruhani's childhood crush. I was stuck in a dilemma. I was once again in a quagmire which was dragging me deep into loneliness. It always happened with me. Whatever I loved was taken away from me.

I finally decided to break this dilemma, trying to kill whatever I felt for Rehan just for the sake of Ruhani. But I failed in that miserably. I guess that's what the fate wanted. The gods weren't done with me yet. They wanted to play more with me.

Ruhani asked me to play cupid between her and Rehan. Letting someone go whom you love is completely different than playing cupid for the same person and seeing them with someone else so close to you. It's like I couldn't control myself and selfishness took over me. Few months later I realised that Rehan was attracted to me and not Ruhani.

So I  felt like now I had to play for my love. Nonetheless it had become a war on its own. I felt guilty of cheating her like that but I had no chance. I couldn't lose Rehan by any means. Isn't it usually said that everything is fair in love and war?

My mom used to say, 'If you can't fight for what you want then don't cry for what you've lost.'

So I thought to stand up and fight against the fate. I don't know what my destiny is. But certainly I won't give up a chance without even trying once.

I still remember the day when I first met Rehan. He was late for the class, punished on the very first day by the Professor. I still remember him sitting by me and stealing glances whenever I turned to look at him.

He thought I didn’t notice about his gazing. I loved that though, because the look I saw in his eyes was different. It felt more of adoration rather than lust. I wasn't fond of someone staring at me all the time. But it weren't one of those eyes that were filled with lust which made me feel naked when they use to stare at me. They were the ones which made me feel wanted.

The way he looked at me was like when a kid looks at his favourite toy. A kind of possession, I used to feel when he used to look at me. As us girls usually do neither Ruhani nor I had confessed to him about our crushes. I didn't want him to land in a dilemma where once I was. I feared that I might lose him if he ever comes to know about it.

It continued like this for years, till suddenly one incident changed it all. That incident turned our lives and left all of us in a mess that no one ever thought of.

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