Chapter Eleven: Inside me
Tanya
*flashback*
Always being apple of an eye
isn't that easy as everyone thinks of it. Many a times you're bound to get
buried under the burden of expectations. You know the grass is always green the
other side. People never knew the real me. All did they know is about Tanya
who's Miss Sebastian, Actress and what not. They don't know the real me. But I
couldn't let anyone see my weaknesses else they would leave me as they did with
my mom.
Ruhani was the only one who
was well acquainted with the real Tanya. She is the one who cared for me. Me
that's curled up in a ball and hiding somewhere inside in a corner of this
Tanya adored by everyone.
My loneliness would have
captured and drowned me long back if Ruhani hadn’t been in my life. She arrived
when I was in my not so sweet sixteen. Reason, separation of my mom and dad.
I had to live with my mom in
an apartment. Dad used to support us with all the materialistic needs.
Sometimes he used to visit us but mom wouldn't allow him to see me. Two years
after their separation, my Mom died of cervical cancer after the years of
prolonged suffering.
Ruhani and I got acquainted
long back when we were in the same class in Junior College and found out that
we were neighbours. Then slowly as time passed our bond got stronger day by
day. We became more of sisters rather than being just friends. Dad tried to
convince me to stay with him after mom's death but I was adamant enough to stay
in that same apartment because it had my mom's memories. Memories when she
cried all nights out of pain and no one was to look after her. Memories of
crying when she got divorced.
She loved my dad a lot and
even he loved my mom a lot. But they separated when mom needed dad the most.
Why? I didn't find answers to some questions at that time.
But as I grew into an adult
those answers automatically knocked at my doorstep. Dad used to give mom all
the love, care, affection and money that a woman needs from a man. But he
forgot, that out of all these he missed the most important factor that his
family needed from him i.e. his time. We were deprived of his time. It felt
like we were his last priorities even after being the first.
It felt like we were
materially satisfied but we craved for his time. I guess that was the reason
that my mom took a big leap. Even after her knowing about her cancer. I
supported my mom's decision. He was a perfect husband but failed to be perfect
dad and lover.
My life suddenly started
changing after Ruhani entered my life. I used to be at her house most of the
time. I got both a father's and a mother's affection from her parents and
sisterly love from Ruhani. I got what I had craved for all my life. I didn't
need money or any caretaker to look after me. I craved for that love and
affection which I was deprived of all my life.
Entry of Rehan in our lives
turned them upside down. There was a different feeling that I felt when I was
around him. I used to flirt with guys a lot. Many a times I've been called a
slut, but I didn't care about that. While being around Rehan, it was a
completely different aura that I felt.
I felt loved, pampered,
protected and trusted around him. He was a kind of guy I could rely on. After
Ruhani he was the only one who was close to me. He was well aware of my
flirting habits and how I just played around with every other guy. But he never
judged me or called me names. He understood the torments inside me. I felt like
there was an invisible bond slowly building between us.
But I think the life had a lot
to surprise me. Rehan turned out to be Ruhani's childhood crush. I was stuck in
a dilemma. I was once again in a quagmire which was dragging me deep into
loneliness. It always happened with me. Whatever I loved was taken away from
me.
I finally decided to break
this dilemma, trying to kill whatever I felt for Rehan just for the sake of
Ruhani. But I failed in that miserably. I guess that's what the fate wanted.
The gods weren't done with me yet. They wanted to play more with me.
Ruhani asked me to play cupid
between her and Rehan. Letting someone go whom you love is completely different
than playing cupid for the same person and seeing them with someone else so
close to you. It's like I couldn't control myself and selfishness took over me.
Few months later I realised that Rehan was attracted to me and not Ruhani.
So I felt like now I had to play for my love.
Nonetheless it had become a war on its own. I felt guilty of cheating her like
that but I had no chance. I couldn't lose Rehan by any means. Isn't it usually
said that everything is fair in love and war?
My mom used to say, 'If you
can't fight for what you want then don't cry for what you've lost.'
So I thought to stand up and
fight against the fate. I don't know what my destiny is. But certainly I won't
give up a chance without even trying once.
I still remember the day when
I first met Rehan. He was late for the class, punished on the very first day by
the Professor. I still remember him sitting by me and stealing glances whenever
I turned to look at him.
He thought I didn’t notice
about his gazing. I loved that though, because the look I saw in his eyes was
different. It felt more of adoration rather than lust. I wasn't fond of someone
staring at me all the time. But it weren't one of those eyes that were filled
with lust which made me feel naked when they use to stare at me. They were the
ones which made me feel wanted.
The way he looked at me was
like when a kid looks at his favourite toy. A kind of possession, I used to
feel when he used to look at me. As us girls usually do neither Ruhani nor I
had confessed to him about our crushes. I didn't want him to land in a dilemma
where once I was. I feared that I might lose him if he ever comes to know about
it.
It continued like this for years, till suddenly one incident changed it all. That incident turned our lives and left all of us in a mess that no one ever thought of.
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