How to make your book a bestseller? - A God level guide to become a best selling author

Disclaimer :  Even though the marketing tips mentioned here actually work if you implement them well but since they don't fit into my moral sense of judgement and ethics I am using them as a way to write a satire. As you know there's always 'conditions apply' on most documents or technical papers, I am here mentioning 'common sense' apply. So kindly take this as it is meant to be and enjoy. Also try out some of these tips if you want to, but at totally your own risk. And very obviously this article is a satire.

Many of newbie authors and also previously well published authors who weren't able to gain the limelight asked me how to get your book into best selling list? Well here I am finally sharing you the most sacred and secret recipe that will break the sales charts all over the world if you apply it properly obviously. So let's begin.

Pre-requisites : Shit-load of money and that's it. You want to know how much? Uhm count it like, if you want to become best seller in your own country and for say just one month then you'd need to find how many books are sold in your region or country every month, then add a few copies more to it and you'd get the amount that you need to invest in marketing campaign as a base amount.

Topping up on that you'd need some money for social ads or ads in newspapers so add like 20% more of the base amount to the marketing budget. Now if you think of some venue based launches and paying bookstores to hoard specifically your books and not your competing author's books you'd need to add a 20% of the base amount to your marketing budget for each. So here we just covered the basics and miniature amount that you'd need to gather before you actually start marketing.

Now again add 50% of the base amount to the marketing budget just for random expenses that might occur during your month long marketing campaign. Obviously you'd need more than this but I am not burning a hole in your pocket for now at least.

Now, there are two methods to cook a perfect bestseller, but each one has a different end target. Let me explain. If you have a target where you want to earn from your copies there's a different approach and if you want just to reach to as many readers as possible with your book then there's a second approach so you can read both and/or read the one you like and follow which ever you want.

Method 1 :

This method is used when any author wants his book so desperately in the best seller list but thou also cares about his or her pockets. Mostly this approach is used when either the book is a standalone and author doesn't wanna rely on future or doesn't have confidence that people will actually buy thy book next time. Else it is used when the author just wants to cash in for each book instead of relying on long term or staged marketing plans or doesn't trust the publisher at all.

There are many other reasons this approach of cooking a best seller can be used but the end goal is to earn something while making your book famous. So here are the steps.

  1. Take your book to a printing press owner or publisher. Doesn't matter much as in these days most are one and the same. Although, in this approach we are taking care to maximise out profits hence a printing press owner would be better option.
  2. Get the pre-calculated amount of copies printed. (As we had calculated in our pre-requisite to find out our marketing budget. ) So let's say 5000 copies are selling every month in your country so you choose a target of 6000 books. Hence we get 6000 books printed.
  3. Now, once the books are delivered at your doorstep. ( Assuming, ISBN and other little legal things are taken care off. Although you don't legally need ISBN to sell but ISBN is needed if you want to sell in bookstores/websites. ) You need to contact book stores and not just local ones but some in different cities, avoid chain stores as they charge a lot for a very less benefit.
  4. Now once your books are in stores and available on websites or are in the process, start talking about it on social media and telling your friends and family.
  5. Now your books are available everywhere, hence start contacting readers in personal. People who are actually interested in reading books and buy books every now and then. Your friends who read and your family who may or may not read but will definitely promote it a lot.
  6. Then send them money in various available and possible ways to buy the book. Send them Gift Cards, or coupons or whatever to buy the book. Just don't buy and send them personally or be oversmart dumbass and send from the lot that you have inside your garage, no that won't help. You'd need to shell out some money here darling.
  7. Now once the closed relative-fan-acquaintances phase is over focus on more serious set of readers and critics called bloggers. Now since we are working on also earning some thing and not all invest, pick out bloggers with good reach as well as ones who have actually good sales reputation. There are bloggers who might have namesake 20,000 followers but would hardly have 1 comment or get you 10 sales in return but there are bloggers who have like 100 followers but still get you 30 sales without bothering much about comments. I know you'd need to research a bit for this but you need to know whom to invest in or easier way just find out a good reviewing team who can do that work for you.
  8. Give those reviewers free copies in the same way you gave your relatives, aka send them money to buy books and don't literally send them the books. The reason I'd explain you later. Also while you are there, since you have selected a set of reviewers and also pay them a little more just to appreciate their efforts, that means without requesting a biased review but that will surely have a positive influence on mind while reading the book.
    As a normal reader might read just 2-3 books each month but a pro reviewer reads and critiques more than 10 books at least every month. So you should reward them for their work at least. Payment can be anything from 5%-20% of your book price, let me remind you some pro reviewers have their own rate charts so keep that in mind as well.
  9. Well this is a bit sketchy step and if your moral conscience allows it then do it. Since you are rewarding reviewers a bit for their effort why not just reward them a bit more and on a condition that they won't rate you below a certain star or say talk only good things or anything in respect to the reward.
  10. Now just wait for the reviews from both usual readers and reviewers and share them while thanking them like a good samaritan you are and enjoy the best seller tag that comes after a few months or a month depending on how well you implemented this recipe.
  11. Most Important :  Don't forget you have to get rid of all those 5000 copies in this way to get that bestseller tag. So don't be stingy.
Method 2:

This method is used when you just don't care about earning and want to just create a good brand name as an investment for your next sequel or possibly upcoming books. You can also use this method if you just don't care about earning from your book and are just writing a once for some fun or your objective behind publishing a book is totally different from being a professional author or is limited on selling this one particular book itself.

So here are the steps :

  1. While most steps are same from step 1-4 and you can actually go with publisher here as compared to going all Indie since brand value or max reach of the book is important over here.
  2. Once all those above steps are completed start contacting big media houses, reviewers, bloggers, influencers, etc basically people who have a huge reach in the respective domain in which you want your book to be read. For example, if a book is a political one, contact supporting politicians, influencers who lean on the same side of which your book is promoting etc...
  3. Once you have compiled a list, send them free copies and this time don't ask them to buy if they're a huge publishing house or politician or influencer per say. influencers here can be a bit of exception but to keep things consistent lets keep it that way. Ask them to review, also again reward them so they have a bit of positive influence over their heads as well as you can try to extra reward step as mentioned in previous method to just increase the positives and decrease or just hide the negatives if it goes fine with your moral ethics.
  4. Ask them to conduct giveaways in a simple way where people post your book cover or how much they're interested in the book or basically anyway you get word out and give the most good ones a free book. While if someone does more than expected give them a free book with one more gift which can be anything. Just reward them so they share more and give more free copies.
  5. Reach out media houses once your word has spread nice and wide, ask them to review your book and let them know how well it is been received and loved in the market. Doesn't matter if their review is positive or negative, any publicity is just publicity and it'll drive more readers to you.
  6. Repeat the steps above until 5000 books are out of your storage and in hands of people. Then just sit and share the reviews and thank them for their time and effort and be a good samaritan.
Now, these were the methods in which you can have an excellent best selling book out in the market. but here are some extra garnishing tips which will help you to make your dish more attractive or bang for a buck or just look cool so it sells well and who knows about the god damn taste?

  1. Write at least an average story, be it horrible-st cliche in this world, don't let it do below average.
  2. Focus more on grammar and editing and printing quality than actual story in the book, only 20% care about the story rest all are about aesthetics and just read books for I really don't know what purpose? 
  3. Make the book look as pretty as possible, hire good designer and pay that poor extorted artist very well.
  4. If you want to max your profits and make people buy more copies instead of sharing a copy just get printing quality as cheap as possible like even tissue paper should be thick than your book's page. Ah but cover should always be of premium quality. So in this way each book is at max once or twice read then use and throw since paper will be torn from various transport accidents or just user handling issues so no sharing of books and each person will have to buy a new copy which will again maximise your sales.
  5.  Giving money to people to buy book rather than sending them a book is much better as first method would be accounted as a legal sale while second one won't. So it won't be accounted while counting the number of sales unless you have some connections and way to rig the best-seller scales to count the free given book as legit sales.
  6. Also if your book has a kindle version or similar online e-book library mechanism where you are paid per page read, you can hire book farms which take some money and keep reading your book every now and then so as to increase your ranking without actually selling any freaking copies.
  7. Also, if you have good connections with a producer buddy or someone who is into video making, just ask them if they can make a show or movie based on your book. Rest I don't think need to tell you it is 'common sense' applied.
So here's it, my god level guide to get your book a best selling title. I know it is very ironical and comical but I personally haven't used any of these tactics for my book hence its a poor unattended soul lost in the sea of amazon kindle books but nevermind, I don't have shit load of money to invest basically I am broke and I actually need to earn from my book and not pour money into it getting famous hence here I am but nevermind, don't bother with me being a blabbermouth. Use this guide and become a bestselling author and do connect with this non-much selling author so we can joke how easily I could've become a bestselling author.

Also if you have any more tips or tricks to improvise on it then do let me know so I can update my secret (non-so-secret-anymore) recipe now.


Do comment and share your thoughts about it! I'd love to know what do you think. Also, I'd keep updating it quite often so do follow the Website to get all the updates by clicking here.

Also, a minor headsup.... Obsessed is free to read on Kindle Unlimited! Do check it out. I'd be glad to read your reviews!
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  1. Full of information. Excellent article. So the key point is - Be rich to become richer (also famous). -Jyothi.

    1. Sadly this is the state of current market and that is how we have to crack it.


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